Don't Get All Ugly with Me

Damn, it has happened again! The powers that be have tried to stop me from realizing that her was serious. He has gotten on my nerves on some real shit. I thought that I could handle this but I gave it to God. I see a future in my dreams that don't have him in my life until next year. I think that it's crazy because I don't see my husband there until next year. I see him realizing that he was wrong and, coming back home. I see us smiling but I have distrust in my heart because of this.

Than I see one where it's later on this year that he comes back, ready to go, I see myself smiling and I feel happy like I won a prize than I still have the feeling of distrust.

I hope that the distrust doesn't last because that would be scary but he doesn't ever give me enough time to heal up from what he does to me. When will I get time to heal up from what he puts on me? Never never never does he give me time to heal up.

I just want to be healed!

The Ugly Truth (fiction)

So, I'm a report that reports. He is a police officer that polices. Our realtionship is one that I can't ever talk about...or should I say work is something that-I-we don't really talk about because than that would be reporting than it wouldn't a quiet conversation over dinner. Besides that, I think that we are doing great for two young black professionals, right?

"I don't think that that has to be said," I talking to my Editor, Ed, and asshole is hanging around to see if I am talking about him or his police work. I am sipping, lightly, on my coffee with cream, staring out of the window blankly. It's a sign to him, that he needs to leave, we have nothing esle to talk about...but either he is snooping or he is trying to talk. Which I don't want to do. I look at him a sign to leave but he stands his ground, none to lightly.

I hang up, take another sip, " What? What?" I ask, annoyed. His green eyes turned gray to black than, Eric Dancin, curtly turns and, walks out the door. I take another sip.

"Trying to keep up with her is amazing..." Eric rubbed his goatee, " I don't want to be with her anymore." He's partner, Draje, passes him some coffee without cream. Draje takes a drag out of his cigarette. "Dreamy doesn't know how annoying she is. I stopped having sex with her but she won't even cheat or anything. I'ma break it off with her. I can't talk to her about anything, anything, at all because in the beginning she made a story out of everything. It was disgusting but the pussy was so good. She is a regular June Cleaver. She is never there. It's story after story. She doesn't maintain the realtionship."

Draje watched as the stripper 69 on the pole, he hands her a few dollars. Dreamy was a bombshell...a utter and complete bombshell. "Pussy is everything. Time and affection is. She doesn't do that. She not good at this. I want her to stay at home, have some babies. Journalist wife, no I can't have that."

Eric is a selish bastard...her friend was telling her...her writing is her legacy. Dreamy was laughing out loud, "OMG! Eric is completely sexy-a sexy bastard-but I kinda like him." Estelle the make-up artist- a name that only her friends could call her- was getting her ready for the show. Nine o'clock News. "I would give it up-if he asked nicely and before 5 in the morning becuase I mean - look at these bags under my eyes he didn't even eat the food!Me, on the other hand, still hungry!I love you doing my make-up! It's relaxing." Dreamy was looking over the script, once again, so much crime.

Eric Dancin was cooking an edible meal with chicken and rice. She was in the door, taking off her shoes, Dreamy's gray eyes looked up at him. She was holding her side..." I have been shot. My crew and I have been shot..." She falls out to the floor blood everywhere...Eric Dancin plan's were ruined...

What to say?

What do you say? When you don't know what to say? I can't believe that I finally have nothing to say. I don't believe that my marriage is a total lost. I just don't know how to fix this. As a Christian...you pray. But when do you don't know what to pray? I sick of praying because I don't know how to pray. This isn't all peaches and cream! This is real life. I don't have the Holy Spirit inside, so, how am I to pray. I can't keep on having my children see me like this.

Crying isn't something that I do. How I feel inside ...I felt like this when I was fifteen....when he left before.

I can't keep this inside of me. But what do you do when you can't hold on to this front that you put on. I can't just move on because he is my other half forever when he is hurting I am. I really really need this fix, Lord. Everyday, that he is away. A little piece of me dies because this is the one thing that I didn't want to be a failure at and, I am. I am because I would let out my pride or my feelings but who am I to judge? Who is he to judge?

I just want this to be over and, the kids need him to be back because I just I can't can't live without him. Am I wrong? He is my family and my husband...

It must be my selfishness that's keeping the Holy Spirit from me...

Beat them at their own Game!

I have decided to beat them at their own game. Why not? This music thing is making my life miserable but, since misery loves company. I have decided to join her and, turn misery into company.

Now, all I need is a name. I have found lessons in dance and song that don't cost that much. I'm going to study the greats. I do. Than I have to get out by this summer. I really really need t get out by this summer. I'm going to have to get song writers, a building, a producer, and INVESTORS!!!

I have to stop playing! It time to get serious and, bring everyone down to their knees.

Abandoned

He left me. He really left me. Without any word and, that really hurts because I was there and, I can't believe that he left. This isn't the only time that he left me but for the first time in my marriage. He left.

I may had asked him to leave but I can't believe that he didn't even ask to say. There wasn't a word spoken to us. Just cordial conversation! But he didn't even try to ask to stay. His the one that is wrong!

Now he's at his dad's house, where he said that he would be at? Am I just fooling myself? I know that he's not cheating but the things is that now I know that he doesn't care. He even left his children.

I am not understanding this shit because I don't deserve this. Am I doing to much? Because I thought that this is what rapper's always talk about. A chick like me that will hold people down and, things like that....that's what I did for him. But he left...?

A Rapper's Wife

I don't think that I have looked at this in the right fashion. I didn't anticipate that my husband loves music more than me. I'm a Rapper's wife. I pray everyday that this is broke. I'm not second to anyone. That's what he lead me on to believe. He cheats on me all the time...with Music. I don't even listen to it anymore...I can't stand music. My husband lies to me everyday...

Now his talking about how he wants to separate. He wants to have his wife to himself because he can't provide for her.

Our last argument was because I refused to have him sneaking into our house like I'm his two-bit whore. I refuse to be his Missus. I refuse to be his Music Incarnate. I refuse to let him sneak. In a way, I side-smile inside, because it makes me feel better that he's got caught in his affair. I told him that I knew what I signed onto but not the cheating.

He looked like he got smacked. Now, I'm the one that's wrong. The other part that I feel inside is that I don't want to lose him to another woman...not to a woman that does or doesn't exist. It's not fair.

He never defends me but Music is hurt, he goes to war against me. He defends her like she was carrying his child. I have become a liability. Music has conviced him that I have become a liability.

Her love and her pussy is better than mine. I can't compare. I never light up his eyes in anyway that Music does.

At first, I thought that he was copying a mutal friend, Courtney, but this is deeper. It was something that I joked about in the beginning but this is a joke that came true. Within months, Music warped his mind against me, should I pray against Music?

But he now sits and, does nothing but the thing is that when we are having sex we only do it from the back. There is no softness...no love...no nothing...he views me as whore. No someone that he purposed to...not someone that he loves. a liability.

When people told me not to be there, take care or love him. I did.

Now I feel that I should have listened. Triflin' was never something that I thought of towards my husband nothing that he was to deserve and, I said that I was going to be that in this realtionship but I thought that my husband was supposed to deserve something more. Lord, I can't believe that after months of marriage that he would treat me like this...

He thinks that if he leaves Music and him will have the perfect family. He thinks that he will have the privilege of seeing his children. But I know that he knows that he won't ....he can't feed me that wet dream like he fed me one about marrying him. Lord knows that I'm not perfect but he is tearing-up not only a marriage but his family...he own family that he always wanted...over another woman-metaphorically speaking-Music

Lord, please forgive me for what I'm about to do but he cheated first....